Friday, December 26, 2008

Flying in Style - what's not so GREAT about flying.



I sit in an abandoned airport. Well, it could be abandoned. Easily. We could just go back in time and decide to take our time. Decide not to rush, travel leisurely. Go on long boat trips, watch the sea and the waves from our compartments. We could spend days in a car stopping at interesting places, seeing the world. Not escaping it miles up in the sky.

It might be spectacular watching the world from above, looking down at fields of poppy and tiny dots that appear to be ants but are in fact just more of us. But being stuffed in a metal container with hundreds of smelly, rushing, impatient people does not satisfy me in the way a nice long car drive would. It’s the mentality of going from A to B without enjoying the ride. When did we decide that we would cut out the excitement of travelling? Or not even that. Just enjoying every moment. I don’t mind flying. In fact I think its brilliant. I just find it so annoying watching people dragging their suitcases, gritting their teeth, running up and down corridors. Worst of all I hate being one of those people.

Flights in massive planes are decorated to look like its actually enjoyable. Here are a few things that don’t make flying top of the pops right now:

1. The windows. Those tiny little plastic windows,(that usually have some poor sodding fly stuck in them); we look out the tiny windows wishing we were actually out there, feeling a little claustrophobic while some fat bloke pushes into your ribs with his overgrown elbow while trying to read The Sun. Which is worst because he’s probably drooling all over you while staring at page 3. ‘Oh Ar. ‘
2. The toilets are rubbish. Half the time you’re afraid of what button to press in case you’ll be sucked into the black hole of the toilet. Where the hell would it take me? *Shiver* Using the toilet always seems to include some sort of acrobatic movement as well. I don’t want to do exercise while the call of nature awaits me. Please make the toilets so that a normal sized human being can actually turn around in it without having to lift their hands in the air like a lunatic.
3. The food on a little happy tray that makes everything ok. No. It’s hard to eat from those things. The salt tastes rubbish. And so does the food most the time. And it takes ages to get cleaned up once you’ve finished it. So you sit staring at some ghastly food remnants for at least a quarter of an hour. Bah Humbug.
4. “Hooray! There’s a film on!” Except I’ve seen it about 3 times and it’s on a tiny screen two seats down with light reflecting off it into your eyes. So you can’t actually see it and it annoys you. Oh yeah, half the time the bloody headphones don’t work either. Spot on.
5. Those annoying passengers who think its great to tell you their life story. Don’t know you, don’t care. I’m tired. Now please just go away.
6. That stupid curtain that separates Business Class and Economy class. Clearly Business Class people (and it’s not like I haven’t travelled in Business class before, but the principle of the curtain is just so ludicrous) have better smelling shit than everyone else because Economy class travellers in row eight HAVE to go to the back to use THAT toilet even if there are 6 people in the cue. Just piss off with your stupid rules. Grr.
7. Doesn’t the plane also smell a little weird? Maybe that’s just me but next time see if you notice…

Enough for now.

I sip on my tea, look around, browse the shops. Or spend an hour writing reasons why flying can be annoying. If I’m in a hurry I try hard not to put on those ridiculous faces that everyone around seems to be pulling! I mean in what way does it help you, making a face like that, other than assisting you in making yourself look like a complete twat? But that’s ok, keep pulling these faces people! For it makes me laugh and enjoy my tea that little bit more. I’m sure I’ve made plenty people smile at my ridiculously rushing-from-A-to-B face. Perhaps it should be compulsory for everyone to wear fake moustaches while flying. It would make the world a better place and disguise those ridiculous ‘I’ve-just-had-someone-put-something-somewhere-they-shouldn’t-have’ faces.

Well, here I am waiting for my flight home. Unfortunately I’ve left my fake moustache in my other trousers. Oh well. Next time. Maybe it’s time for my Godzilla mask. Oh yes indeed.

Happy Travelling to all!